The One Where We Breakup
Breakups are very very nasty business, especially in the world that we live in. It’s almost impossible to have a good breakup and when you do, people can never stomach the idea that you have an ex who doesn’t entirely hate your guts. Luckily for me, I’ve had the privilege of having good breakups, should be about 86% of the time. I’m on good terms with majority of my exes and we can talk on the rare occasion it’s necessary. It’s a rare thing but it’s one of the things I’m weirdly proud of, considering that I do think I’m a rather terrible person (one or two of aforementioned exes can corroborate this fact).
Recently, I had another one of these breakups. Thankfully it was another good one. I just hate the circumstances that brought us to it and the things it made me realise about the past 9 months, 1 week and 3 days before said breakup. Those circumstances being that we needed time apart because of the different directions our lives were taking.
It is shocking when you realise how the relationship made you feel at different times during its tenure. For example, I came to realise just how much of myself I’d lost in the process of the relationship. I gave and gave a lot of myself to her and it, not because she asked me to or it was demanded of me, but because it’s what I wanted to do. It’s how I thought things should be. Be there for the person all the time both in the good and the bad. And that’s exactly what I did.
Now don’t get me wrong here, she did the exact same thing for me, she was there for me when I needed it and more. I just was poor at the regulation of how much of yourself you can give someone else, and I struggle with that to this day. It is something that I’m actively learning to handle. I loved her and I think a small part of myself still does. I know that I still care for her even though we’re not together anymore.
For a while I was unsure if I wanted to go back to it in the future, but I’ve come to realise that it wouldn’t be best. For either one of us, me or her. Especially her. Us breaking up was the one thing that we both needed, that I needed, but refused to admit to myself for ages because I didn’t want to lose her, I didn’t want to hurt her by leaving in that capacity. I wanted to be there for her, which is something I still want to because I still care about her, and I’d actually like to believe that we could be friends, but I didn’t think or know if I could do that when we’re not together. Funny enough this takes me back to 2015, when I was horny 15 year old who didn’t know what he wanted and would date simply for the sake of. I can’t even tell you how I did that because Lord knows I was a skinny short kid with goofy ass glasses <insert laughing emojis>, but somehow I did. But that’s beside the point here.
Now I’m older and I’m wiser and better for it. I’ve come to realise that as much as it hurt losing someone I thought I’d one day be able to build a life with, my peace comes first and it’s good to be selfish sometimes. Not forgetting that sometimes, the decisions you make for yourself out of selfishness may very well benefit the people/person affected by them. They may not see at that point in time, but one day they will, and they’ll thank you for making the decision that you did.
There’s a lot surrounding what happened that I’m not at liberty to talk about due to it’s sensitive state and the privacy of the parties involved, but I know it was something that she and I needed. To find ourselves again outside of the relationship and the structure we’d built. We needed to redefine who we were/are as people and figure out how to walk the new journeys that our respective lives had gone on our own without the help of the other. These were things that we needed to do on our own.
I loved our relationship, and as it turns out, a lot of y’all loved it just as much which I’m eternally grateful for. It was one of the few healthy things that I had for a time because it taught me so much especially how to be patient with people. I’m not fully there yet but I know I’ll get there, one day I will.
We thought that it’d be something that we’d come back to, one day when we were both ready, but I’ve come to realise that we need to move on from that and allow ourselves to move on and find people who will love the new versions of who we are and what we are, and be happy knowing that we lived and loved each other so very much, we made amazing memories together, and most especially we were loved. I say this without a doubt in the world.
Now i begin a whole new process of figuring out who I am out of the routine I was so used to. I begin to find myself again. I don’t how long it’ll take but I hope that the next time love finds me (hopefully it’s the last because hmmm, I’m two heartbreaks away from becoming a monk), I’m ready for it, but most importantly I love them the way they deserve to be loved without neglecting myself.
Yours truly,
Tendo.