My Story.
I want to tell you a story, a story that is not only mine, but one that I share with another. This story has truth to it, but to some, it may seem like it doesn’t. The truth that it speaks is that which is mine and not for the other. It is a story that has pain, joy, love, and sadness. It breaks my heart to think about it, but it is a story of a man that dared to love again, as half-hearted as he was, and how he was reminded why this game that we call love, is played by only the bravest and the strongest of men.
This story starts in November 2022. It started over Twitter and a harmless question about the writers' WordPress site. This lady braved and answered the question, and through it, they dived into the content of the blog. It was an eye-opener for both of them. She learned that he wasn’t the easiest person to deal with, that he was emotional, he was empathetic, and more often than not, he never held back when he fell for someone. He on the other hand, learned that she loved wholeheartedly, she would cross heaven and earth for anyone that she loved, she was a writer who had lost her way, but was working her way back to that which she loved. It was the beginning of a love that would be so beautiful but quite rather short-lived.
Over the next 6 weeks, they met once on the day of the World Cup final. It was a day that he wouldn’t forget for it was the day, the G.O.A.T argument was sealed, but it was also the day that he finally met the woman who had made him change his sleep schedule just to talk to her. It was the day that he met the woman who had plagued his thoughts for the last 3 weeks. Their first meeting was different, new, but colourful. They finally dwelled in the essence of each other’s bodies, and smells, each other’s presence that keeping their hands off each other was found to be a bit of a problem, considering that they were in a rather public place. It was exactly like he’d imagined it would go. It was a Sunday that he would have an impossible time forgetting, but it was also a Sunday that he never wanted to forget. They talked, they sang together, they read a book together, they looked at art together, trying to decide which was their favourite. They watched the final together (not all of it, but some). He was elated that she could share the joy that he had watching his favourite football player play for his country. He couldn’t have imagined a better first "date". Watching her go, escorting her to her boda, was like watching the sun disappear over the horizon. More than anything he wished that they had more time, he wished that she didn’t have to go home that day. Why? Because he knew that he would miss every bit of her. He’d miss how her smile happened to show all her teeth, he would miss the smell and feel of her hair, he’d miss the feeling of her skin under his fingers, and he’d miss laying numerous kisses on her skin. Again you ask why? Well, because she felt like that piece of him that he’d been missing. The piece that he’d been looking for so long, that one piece that finally completed him. He’d finally found it. He was finally happy.
The more time that they spent talking, texting and video calling, the more they fell in sync with each other, the more that they fell for each other. Firebabe by Stormzy became her song for him and Feels Like Home by Bea Miller and Jessie Reyez became his song for her. They made a playlist together that they felt was made up of songs that reminded them of each other. "My Firebabe and I", they called it. It was a beautiful love to watch grow and blossom. It was something that he thought would last forever. He had his doubts of course, but regardless of these doubts, he wanted more than anything to make it work. He'd found a friend who never failed to make him laugh, a person who saw the deepest and sometimes darkest parts of who he was and yet stayed. He'd found a lover in her, and most importantly He'd found a confidant in her. He honestly couldn't believe his luck.
Eventually the new year came round, and with the turn of the year, her birthday came round. He had big plans for the day, and they had made plans for the day. He planned to ask her to officially be his girl. But unfortunately for him, things didn't go according to plan. Things never really went according to plan when it came to them. She got too busy to see him, and that was when things started to go downhill. As the understanding person that he was, he did his best to try and reschedule the plans, but for one reason or the other, the week that followed, communication couldn't have been worse. Whatever attempts he made to talk to her didn't go as well as he'd have wanted. They eventually got to talking, but once again, it didn't have the results that he'd have hoped. He was stuck once again. The sad part is that amidst all of this mess, he was doing his best to get ready for the exams that he had the following week. Focusing on trying to make this relationship work while also making sure that he didn't fail his papers wasn't easy.
He eventually realised that he couldn't play this cat and mouse game for the next three weeks, he had to know so, he called her up to find out what was happening with her, and why she'd failed to properly communicate with him what was going on. It was the best thing for him to do, but unfortunately it was the worst news that he'd receive. She was ending what they had. For as short lived as it was, it was time to bring their love story to a close.
It broke him. The little part of his heart that he’d dared give her was shattered. He had no explanation as to why she’d decided to end things, and he had no idea what to do. The ony thing that he knew he had to do was get through the next three weeks smoothly, without letting the madness that was this "breakup" affect him. He had to persevere and make it through. Somehow, he did. He made it through. However, he still had no idea what had happened, or what had gone wrong. She’d promised that she would let him know what had happened. Why she’d done what she’d done. So he waited. He was hurt, he was angry and most of all he was confused. He had no idea what to do or even how to move on without the answers that he’d been promised, the answers that he thought he needed. He was stuck. But what made it even worse, was the fact that she revealed that she didn’t trust him. He was beyond shocked. He had done everything to provide that space for her. To let her know that no matter what happened, she could fully trust him. To let her know that he was the shoulder she could cry on without fear of judgement. He had made sure that she felt safe with him. She’d once said that he felt like home. So to hear that she didn’t, that she was wrong to trust him at some point, broke him even more than he already was. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. But there it was.
It’s been 2 weeks since he finished his exams, 5 weeks since that fateful Tuesday afternoon when he called to find out what was going on, and still, he goes on without any answers. Maybe the answers aren’t what he needs to move on. Maybe he doesn’t need the closure that he wants. If we’re being honest, the question we all should be asking him is, will the answers change anything? If they don’t, then it’s clear that without them, he should be moving on, one way or another. This is where we leave him. Hopefully, answers or no answers, he finds a way to get past all the hurt and anger and move on with his life.
Life comes at you fast sometimes. Just when you think you had something good and it was going superb, it all comes crashing down. For some of us when that happens, we blame ourselves that it fell apart. We blame ourselves because then maybe we'll feel better about why it ended, or maybe because we don't want to blame the other person for what they've done. We can't seem to accept that someone whom we love would ever hurt us that badly. And that leads to denial and from denial the suicidal thoughts creep in, stronger each and every time. (I've almost got the courage to actually go through with it. Yup, still scared). Though each and every time you have to find a reason not to do so. You try to keep the hope alive that things will get better. You think that by looking for reasons as to why this person did what they did, it'll make things so much better and easier for you to deal with. The sad fact is that most times, they never do provide the peace that you think they'll bring. More often than not, they hurt even more than before. But I'm here to tell you that you have to find peace in not knowing everything. You have to keep the hope alive that one day, just one day, you'll finally come across that person who won't hurt you, at least not intentionally, but will strive to show you just how much they love you, and will seek to understand you as much as they can. So don't give up hope, not yet. They're still a few decent people left in the world, i bet you one of them is meant for you.
Hope you enjoyed reading my story as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Yours truly,
Tendo
